Here are just a few of the phrases we use — Get it off your chest. Keep a stiff upper lip. Stay at arm's length. Keep your chin up. Shoulder a burden. Face up to it. Put your best foot forward.
Kiss my butt Some of these phrases are hard to swallow, but you've got to give us a big hand because there are some real eye-openers here. As a rule of thumb, we can keep them coming hand over fist until you either buckle at the knees or turn your back on the whole idea. Hopefully, you'll be sufficiently touched by these phrases to lean towards the concept.
Understanding the Basics In the Beginning Silent movie actors like Charlie Chaplin were the pioneers of body language skills, as this was the only means of communi- cation available on the screen. Each actor's skill was classed as good or bad by the extent to which he could use gestures and body signals to communicate to the audience.
When talking films became popular and less emphasis was placed on the non-verbal aspects of acting, many silent movie actors faded into obscurity and only those with good verbal and non-verbal skills survived.
As far as the academic study of body language goes, perhaps the most influential pre-twentieth-century work was Charles Darwin's The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, published in , but this work tended to be read mainly by academics. However, it spawned the modern studies of facial expressions and body language, and many of Darwin's ideas and observations have since been validated by researchers around the world. Since that time, researchers have noted and recorded almost a million non-verbal cues and signals.
It's how you looked when you said it, not what you actually said. Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell pioneered the original study of non-verbal communication — what he called 'kinesics'.
Birdwhis- tell made some similar estimates of the amount of non-verbal communication that takes place between humans. He estimated that the average person actually speaks words for a total of about ten or eleven minutes a day and that the average sentence takes only about 2. Birdwhistell also estimated we can make and recognise around , facial expressions.
Studies also show that when negotiating over the telephone, the person with the stronger argument usually wins, but this is not so true when negotiating face-to-face, because overall we make our final decisions more on what we see than what we hear.
Why It's Not What You Say Despite what it may be politically correct to believe, when we meet people for the first time we quickly make judgements about their friendliness, dominance and potential as a sexual partner - and their eyes are not the first place we look.
Most researchers now agree that words are used primarily for conveying information, while body language is used for negotiating interpersonal attitudes and in some cases is used as a substitute for verbal messages. For example, a woman can give a man a 'look to kill' and will convey a very clear message to him without opening her mouth.
Regardless of culture, words and movements occur together with such predictability that Birdwhistell was the first to claim that a well-trained person should be able to tell what move- ment a person is making by listening to their voice. Birdwhistell even learned how to tell what language a person was speaking, simply by watching their gestures. Many people find difficulty in accepting that humans are still biologically animals. We are a species of primate — Homo sapiens — a hairless ape that has learned to walk on two limbs and has a clever, advanced brain.
The fascinating thing is that the human animal is rarely aware that its postures, move- ments and gestures can tell one story while its voice may be telling another. How Body Language Reveals Emotions and Thoughts Body language is an outward reflection of a person's emo- tional condition.
Each gesture or movement can be a valuable key to an emotion a person may be feeling at the time. For example, a man who is self-conscious about gaining weight may tug at the fold of skin under his chin; the woman who is aware of extra pounds on her thighs may smooth her dress down; the person who is feeling fearful or defensive might fold their arms or cross their legs or both; and a man talking with a large-breasted woman may consciously avoid staring at her breasts while, at the same time, unconsciously use groping ges- tures with his hands.
This allows you to separate fact from fiction and reality from fantasy. In recent times, we humans have had an obsession with the spoken word and our ability to be conver- sationalists.
Most people, however, are remarkably unaware of body language signals and their impact, despite the fact that we now know that most of the messages in any face-to-face conversation are revealed through body signals. Bob Hawke once defended pay increases for politicians by comparing their salaries to corporate executive salaries.
He claimed that exec- utive salaries had risen by a huge amount and that proposed politicians' increases were relatively smaller. Each time he mentioned politicians' incomes, he held his hands a yard 1m apart. When he mentioned executive salaries, however, he held them only a foot 30cm apart.
His hand distances revealed that he felt politicians were getting a much better deal than he was prepared to admit. President Jacques Chirac — measuring the size of an issue or simply boasting about his love life? In other words, when we say that we have a 'hunch' or 'gut feeling' that someone has told us a lie, we usually mean that their body language and their spoken words don't agree.
This is also what speakers call audience aware- ness, or relating to a group. For example, if an audience were sitting back in their seats with their chins down and arms crossed on their chest, a 'perceptive' speaker would get a hunch or feeling that his delivery was not going across well. He would realise that he needed to take a different approach to gain audience involvement. Likewise, a speaker who was not 'perceptive' would blunder on regardless.
Being 'perceptive' means being able to spot the contradictions between someone's words and their body language. Overall, women are far more perceptive than men, and this has given rise to what is commonly referred to as 'women's intu- ition'.
Women have an innate ability to pick up and decipher non-verbal signals, as well as having an accurate eye for small details. This is why few husbands can lie to their wives and get away with it and why, conversely, most women can pull the wool over a man's eyes without his realising it.
Research by psychologists at Harvard University showed how women are far more alert to body language than men. They showed short films, with the sound turned off, of a man and woman communicating, and the participants were asked to decode what was happening by reading the couple's expres- sions. Female intuition is particularly evident in women who have raised children. For the first few years, the mother relies almost solely on the non-verbal channel to com- municate with the child and this is why women are often more perceptive negotiators than men because they practise reading signals early.
What Brain Scans Show Most women have the brain organisation to out-communicate any man on the planet. Magnetic Resonance Imaging brain scans MRI clearly show why women have far greater capac- ity for communicating with and evaluating people than men do.
Women have between fourteen and sixteen areas of the brain to evaluate others' behaviour versus a man's four to six areas. This explains how a woman can attend a dinner party and rapidly work out the state of the relationships of other couples at the party - who's had an argument, who likes who and so on. It also explains why, from a woman's standpoint, men don't seem to talk much and, from a man's standpoint, women never seem to shut up.
She can watch a television programme while talking on the telephone plus listen to a second conversation behind her, while drinking a cup of coffee. She can talk about several unrelated topics in the one conversation and uses five vocal tones to change the subject or emphasise points. Unfortunately, most men can only identify three of these tones. As a result, men often lose the plot when women are trying to communicate with them. Studies show that a person who relies on hard visual evi- dence face to face about the behaviour of another person is more likely to make more accurate judgements about that person than someone who relies solely on their gut feeling.
That's what this book is about. How Fortune-Tellers Know So Much If you've ever visited a fortune teller you probably came away amazed at the things they knew about you — things no one else could possibly have known — so it must be ESP, right?
It's a tech- nique practised by psychics, tarot card readers, astrologists and palm readers to gather information about a 'client'. Many 'cold readers' are largely unaware of their abilities to read non- verbal signals and so also become convinced that they really must have 'psychic' abilities. This all adds to a convincing per- formance, bolstered by the fact that people who regularly visit 'psychics' go with positive expectations of the outcome.
Throw in a set of tarot cards, a crystal ball or two and a bit of theatre, and the stage is perfectly set for a body-language- reading session that can convince even the most hardened sceptic that strange, magical forces must be at work. It all boils down to the reader's ability to decode a person's reactions to statements made and to questions asked, and by information gathered from simple observation about a person's appear- ance. Most 'psychics' are female because, as women, as discussed previously, they have the extra brain wiring to allow them to read the body signals of babies and to read others' emotional condition.
The Definitive Book of Body Language The fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball and then started laughing uncontrollably.
So John punched her on the nose. It was the first time he'd ever struck a happy medium. To demonstrate the point, here now is a psychic reading for you personally. Imagine you've come to a dimly lit, smoke- filled room where a jewel-encrusted psychic wearing a turban is seated at a low, moon-shaped table with a crystal ball: I'm glad you've come to this session and I can see you have things that are troubling you because I am receiving strong signals from you.
I sense that the things you really want out of life sometimes seem unrealistic and you often wonder whether you can achieve them. I also sense that at times you are friendly, social and outgoing to others, but that at other times you are withdrawn, reserved and cautious.
You take pride in being an independent thinker but also know not to accept what you see and hear from others, without proof. You like change and variety but become restless if controlled by restrictions and routine.
You want to share your innermost feelings with those closest to you but have found it unwise to be too open and revealing. A man in your life with the initial 'S' is exerting a strong influence over you right now and a woman who is born in November will contact you in the next month with an exciting offer. While you appear disciplined and controlled on the outside, you tend to be concerned and worried on the inside and at times you wonder whether or not you have made the right choice or decision.
So how did we go? Did we read you accurately? We won't encourage you to become a fortune-teller but you'll soon be able to read others as accurately as they do. Inborn, Genetic or Learned Culturally? When you cross your arms on your chest, do you cross left over right or right over left? Most people cannot confidently describe which way they do this until they try it.
Cross your arms on your chest right now and then try to quickly reverse the position. Where one way feels comfortable, the other feels completely wrong. Evidence suggests that this may well be a genetic gesture that cannot be changed. Seven out of ten people cross their left arm over their right. Much debate and research has been done to discover whether non-verbal signals are inborn, learned, genetically transferred or acquired in some other way. Evidence has been collected from observation of blind people who could not have learned non-verbal signals through a visual channel , from observing the gestural behaviour of many different cultures around the world and from studying the behaviour of our nearest anthro- pological relatives, the apes and monkeys.
The conclusions of this research indicate that some gestures fall into each category. For example, most primate babies are born with the immediate ability to suck, showing that this is either inborn or genetic.
The German scientist Eibl-Eibesfeldt round that the smiling expressions of children born deaf and blind occur independently of learning or copying, which means that these must also be inborn gestures. Ekman, Friesen and Sorenson supported some of Darwin's original beliefs about inborn gestures when they studied the facial expressions of people from five widely different cultures.
Cultural differences are many but the basic body language signals are the same everywhere. Debate still exists as to whether some gestures are culturally learned, and become habitual, or are genetic. For example, most men put on a coat right arm first; most women put it on left arm first. This shows that men use their left brain hemi- sphere for this action while women use the right hemisphere.
When a man passes a woman in a crowded street, he usually turns his body towards her as he passes; she instinctively turns her body away from him to protect her breasts. Is this an inborn female reaction or has she learned to do this by uncon- sciously watching other females? Some Basic Origins Most of the basic communication signals are the same all over the world.
When people are happy they smile; when they are sad or angry they frown or scowl. Nodding the head is almost universally used to indicate 'yes' or affirmation. It appears to be a form of head lowering and is probably an inborn gesture because it's also used by people born blind. Shaking the head from side to side to indicate 'no' or negation is also universal and appears to be a gesture learned in infancy.
When a baby has had enough milk, it turns its head from side to side to reject its mother's breast. When the young child has had enough to eat, he shakes his head from side to side to stop any attempt to spoon-feed him and, in this way, he quickly learns to use the head shaking gesture to show disagreement or a neg- ative attitude. The evolutionary origin of some gestures can be traced to our primitive animal past.
Smiling, for example, is a threat gesture for most carnivorous animals, but for primates it is done in conjunction with non-threatening gestures to show submis- sion. Baring the teeth and nostril flaring are derived from the act of attacking and are primitive signals used by other primates. Sneering is used by animals to warn others that, if necessary, they'll use their teeth to attack or defend.
For humans, this gesture still appears even though humans won't usually attack with their teeth. Human and animal sneering — you wouldn't want to go on a date with either of these two Nostril flaring allows more air to oxygenate the body in prepa- ration for fight or flight and, in the primate world, it tells others that back-up support is needed to deal with an immi- nent threat. In the human world, sneering is caused by anger, irritation, when a person feels under physical or emotional threat or feels that something is not right.
It's a multiple gesture that has three main parts: exposed palms to show nothing is being concealed in the hands, hunched shoulders to protect the throat from attack and raised brow which is a universal, sub- missive greeting. The Shoulder Shrug shows submission Just as verbal language differs from culture to culture, so some body language signals can also differ. Whereas one gesture may be common in a particular culture and have a clear inter- pretation, it may be meaningless in another culture or even have a completely different meaning.
Cultural differences will be covered later, in Chapter 5. Three Rules for Accurate Reading What you see and hear in any situation does not necessarily reflect the real attitudes people may actually have. You need to follow three basic rules to get things right. Read Gestures in Clusters One of the most serious errors a novice in body language can make is to interpret a solitary gesture in isolation of other ges- tures or circumstances.
For example, scratching the head can mean a number of things - sweating, uncertainty, dandruff, fleas, forgetfulness or lying - depending on the other gestures that occur at the same time.
Like any spoken language, body language has words, sentences and punctuation. Each gesture is like a single word and one word may have several different meanings. For example, in English, the word 'dressing' has at least ten meanings including the act of putting on clothing, a sauce for food, stuffing for a fowl, an application for a wound, fertiliser and grooming for a horse.
It's only when you put a word into a sentence with other words that you can fully understand its meaning. Gestures come in 'sentences' called clusters and invariably reveal the truth about a person's feelings or attitudes.
A body language cluster, just like a verbal sentence, needs at least three words in it before you can accurately define each of the words. The 'per- ceptive' person is the one who can read the body language sentences and accurately match them against the person's verbal sentences. Scratching the head can mean uncertainty but it's also a sign of dandruff.
So always look at gesture clusters for a correct reading. Each of us has one or more repetitive gestures that simply reveal we are either bored or feeling under pressure. Continual hair touching or twirling is a common example of this but, in iso- lation of other gestures, it's likely to mean the person is feeling uncertain or anxious. People stroke their hair or head because that's how their mother comforted them when they were chil- dren.
This body lan- guage 'sentence' says something like, 'I don't like what you're saying', 'I disagree' or 'I'm holding back negative feelings'. Look for Congruence Research shows that non-verbal signals carry about five times as much impact as the verbal channel and that, when the two are incongruent people - especially women - rely on the non- verbal message and disregard the verbal content.
If you, as the speaker, were to ask the listener shown above to give his opinion about something you've said and he replied that he disagreed with you, his body language signals would be congruent with his verbal sentences, that is, they would match. If, however, he said he agreed with what you said, he would more likely be lying because his words and gestures would be incongruent.
When a person's words and body language are in conflict, women ignore what is said. What if he attempted to con- vince you of his warm, caring approach while giving short, sharp karate chops to the lectern? Sigmund Freud once reported that while a patient was verbally expressing happi- ness with her marriage, she was unconsciously slipping her wedding ring on and off her finger.
Freud was aware of the sig- nificance of this unconscious gesture and was not surprised when marriage problems began to surface. Observation of gesture clusters and congruence of the verbal and body language channels are the keys to accurately interpreting attitudes through body language.
Rule 3. Read Gestures in Context All gestures should be considered in the context in which they occur. If, however, the person used the same ges- tures while you were sitting across a table from him trying to sell him an idea, product or service, it could be correctly inter- preted as meaning that the person was feeling negative or rejecting your offer.
Cold, not defensive Throughout this book all body language gestures will be con- sidered in context and, where possible, gesture clusters will be examined. Why It Can be Easy to Misread Someone who has a soft or limp handshake — especially a man — is likely to be accused of having a weak character and the next chapter on handshake techniques will explore the reason behind this. Similarly, artists, musicians, surgeons and those whose occupation is delicate and involves use of their hands generally prefer not to shake hands, but, if they are forced into it, they may use a 'dead fish' handshake to protect their hands.
Someone who wears ill-fitting or tight clothing may be unable to use certain gestures, and this can affect their use of body lan- guage.
For example, obese people can't cross their legs. Women who wear short skirts will sit with their legs tightly crossed for protection, but this results in them looking less approachable and less likely to be asked to dance at a nightclub. These cir- cumstances apply to the minority of people, but it is important to consider what effect a person's physical restrictions or dis- abilities may have on their body movement. Why Kids are Easier to Read Older people are harder to read than younger ones because they have less muscle tone in the face.
The speed of some gestures and how obvious they look to others is also related to the age of the individual. For example, if a five-year-old child tells a lie, he's likely to immediately cover his mouth with one or both hands. When a teenager tells a lie, the hand is brought to the mouth in a similar way to the five-year-old, but instead of the obvious hand-slapping gesture over the mouth, the fingers rub lightly around it.
The teenager telling a lie The original mouth-covering gesture becomes even faster in adulthood. When an adult tells a lie, it's as if his brain instructs his hand to cover his mouth in an attempt to block the deceitful words, just as it did for the five-year-old and the teenager. But, at the last moment, the hand is pulled away from the face and a nose touch gesture results. This is simply an adult's version of the mouth-covering gesture that was used in childhood. Can You Fake it?
We are regularly asked, 'Can you fake body language? For example, open palms are associated with honesty but when the faker holds his palms out and smiles at you as he tells a lie, his micro-gestures give him away. His pupils may contract, one eyebrow may lift or the corner of his mouth may twitch, and these signals contradict the open palm gesture and the sincere smile.
The result is that the receivers, especially women, tend not to believe what they hear. Body language is easier to fake with men than with women because, overall, men aren't good readers of body language.
He told us that there had been insufficient future opportunity available to him and that it was a hard decision to leave as he got on well with all the staff there. A female interviewer said she had an 'intuitive feeling' that the applicant was lying and that he had negative feelings about his forrner boss, despite the applicant's continual praising of his boss.
Often these contradictory signals will flash across a person's face in a fraction of a second and are missed by an untrained observer. We telephoned his former boss and discovered the applicant had been fired for dealing drugs to other staff members. As confidently as this applicant had tried to fake his body language, his contradictory micro-gestures gave the game away to our female interviewer. The key here is being able to separate the real gestures from fake ones so a genuine person can be distinguished from a liar or impostor.
Signals like pupil dilation, sweating and blushing cannot be consciously faked but exposing the palms to try to appear honest is easily learned. Fakers can only pretend for a short period of time. There are, however, some cases in which body language is deliberately faked to gain certain advantages. Take, for example, the Miss World or Miss Universe contest, in which each contestant uses studiously learned body movements to give the impression of warmth and sincerity.
To the extent that each contestant can convey these signals, she will score points from the judges. But even the expert contestants can only fake body language for a short period of time and even- tually the body will show contradictory signals that are independent of conscious actions.
Many politicians are experts in faking body language in order to get the voters to believe what they are saying, and politicians who can success- fully do this - such as John F Kennedy and Adolf Hitler — are said to have 'charisma'.
In summary, it is difficult to fake body language for a long period of time but, as we will discuss, it's important to learn how to use positive body language to communicate with others and to eliminate negative body language that may give out the wrong message. How to Become a Great Reader Set aside at least fifteen minutes a day to study the body lan- guage of other people, as well as acquiring a conscious awareness of your own gestures. A good reading ground is anywhere that people meet and interact.
An airport is a par- ticularly good place for observing the entire spectrum of human gestures as people openly express eagerness, anger, sorrow, happiness, impatience and many other emotions through body language.
Social functions, business meetings and parties are also excellent. When you become proficient at the art of reading body language, you can go to a party, sit in a corner all evening and have an exciting time just watching other people's body language rituals.
Modern humans are worse at reading body signals than their ancestors because we are now distracted by words. Television also offers an excellent way of learning. Turn down the sound and try to understand what is happening by first watching the picture. By turning the sound up every few minutes, you will be able to check how accurate your non- verbal readings are and, before long, it will be possible to watch an entire programme without any sound and under- stand what is happening, just as deaf people do.
Learning to read body language signals not only makes you more acutely aware of how others try to dominate and manip- ulate, it brings the realisation that others are also doing the same to us and, most importantly, it teaches us to be more sen- sitive to other people's feelings and emotions. Just as the bird- watcher loves watching birds and their behaviour, so the Body Language Watcher delights in watching the non-verbal cues and signals of human beings.
He watches them at social func- tions, at beaches, on television, at the office or anywhere that people interact. He's a student of behaviour who wants to learn about the actions of his fellow humans so that he may ultimately learn more about himself and how he can improve his relationships with others. What's the difference between an observer and a stalker? A clipboard and pen. As he was introduced to colleague after colleague, he shook their hands enthusiastically and gave everyone a broad smile.
Adam stood 6 foot 3 inches 1. He always gave a firm handshake, just the way his father had taught him when he was young. So firm in fact, that it drew blood on the ring fingers of two female colleagues and left several others feeling injured.
Other men competed with Adam's handshake — that's what men do. And half the firm's bosses were women. Here's a handy thought — whether you are heavy-handed or high-handed, engage in sleight-of-hand to avoid a hand-to- mouth existence, you might have to show your hand sometimes to gain the upper hand. Don't get caught red- handed, or try to wash your hands of a mistake, because if you bite the hand that feeds you, things could get out of hand.
The hands have been the most important tools in human evolution and there are more connections between the brain and the hands than between any other body parts. Few people ever consider how their hands behave or the way they shake hands when they meet someone. Yet those first five to seven pumps establish whether dominance, submission or power plays will take place. Throughout history, the open palm has been associated with truth, honesty, allegiance and submis- sion.
Many oaths are still taken with the palm of the hand over the heart, and the palm is held in the air when somebody is giving evidence in a court of law; the Bible is held in the left hand and the right palm held up for the members of the court to view.
One of the most valuable clues to discovering whether someone is being open and honest - or not - is to watch for palm displays. Just as a dog will expose its throat to show submission or surrender to the victor, humans use their palms to display in a similar way to show that they are unarmed and therefore not a threat.
Submissive dogs reveal their throats. Humans show their palms. When someone begins to open up or be truth- ful, they will likely expose all or part of their palms to the other person.
Like most body language signals, this is a com- pletely unconscious gesture, one that gives you an 'intuitive' feeling or hunch that the other person is telling the truth. Similarly, a man who wants to conceal his whereabouts after a night out with the boys might hide his palms in his pockets, or in an arms-crossed position, when he tries to explain to his partner where he was. However, the hidden palms may give her an intuitive feeling that he is not telling the truth.
A woman who is trying to hide something will try to avoid the subject or talk about a range of unrelated topics while doing various other activities at the same time. When men lie their body language can be obvious. Women prefer to look busy as they lie. Salespeople are taught to watch for a customer's exposed palms when he gives reasons or objections about why he can't buy a product, because when someone is giving valid reasons, they usually show their palms.
When people are being open in explaining their reasons they use their hands and flash their palms whereas someone who isn't telling the truth is likely to give the same verbal responses but conceal their hands. Keeping their hands in their pockets is a favourite ploy of men who don't want to participate in a conversation.
The palms were originally like the vocal cords of body language because they did more 'talking' than any other body part and putting them away was like keeping one's mouth shut. If you tell an outright lie with your palms exposed, you might still appear insincere to your listeners because many of the other gestures that should also be visible when displaying honesty are absent and the negative gestures used during lying will appear and will be incongruent with the open palms.
Con artists and professional liars are people who have developed the special art of making their non-verbal signals complement their verbal lies. The more effectively the professional con artist can use the body language of honesty when telling a lie, the better he is at his job.
Will you still love me when I'm old and grey? Interestingly, as the open palm gestures become habit- ual, the tendency to tell untruths diminishes.
Most people find it difficult to lie with their palms exposed because of the law of cause and effect. If a person is being open they'll expose their palms, but just having their palms exposed makes it dif- ficult for the person to tell a convincing lie. This is because gestures and emotions are directly linked to each other. If you reel defensive, for example, you're likely to cross your arms across your chest. But if you simply cross your arms you'll begin to experience defensive feelings.
And if you are talking with your palms exposed it puts even more pressure on the other person to be truthful too. In other words, open palms can help to suppress some of the false information others may tell and encourage them to be more open with you. When used in a certain way, Palm Power invests its user with the power of silent authority. The differences of the three positions are shown in this example: let's say that you ask someone to pick up something and carry it to another location.
We'll assume that you use the same tone of voice, the same words and facial expressions in each example, and that you change only the position of your palm. The palm facing up is used as a submissive, non-threatening gesture, reminiscent of the pleading gesture of a street beggar and, from an evolutionary perspective, shows the person holds no weapons.
The person being asked to move the item will not feel they are being pressured into it and are unlikely to feel threatened by your request. If you want someone to talk you can use the Palm-Up as a 'handover' gesture to let them know you expect them to talk and that you're ready to listen.
The Palm-Up gesture became modified over the centuries and gestures like the Single-Palm-Raised-in-the-Air, the Palm- Over-tbe-Heart and many other variations developed. Turning your palm from facing upwards to facing downwards completely alters how others perceive you. For example, if the other person was someone of equal status, he might resist a Palm-Down request and would be more likely to comply if you'd used the Palm-Up position. If the person is your subordinate, the Palm-Down gesture is seen as acceptable because you have the authority to use it.
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